


Crassion

by ThayerKerbasy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Innuendo, M/M, Post-Episode: s06e22 The Man Who Knew Too Much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 20:14:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12373215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThayerKerbasy/pseuds/ThayerKerbasy
Summary: On the run from a godly-powerful Castiel, Crowley encounters someone else on the new God's hit list on what might be their last night on Earth.





	Crassion

**Author's Note:**

> Canon divergent after Balthazar helps Sam and Dean locate Lisa and Ben. He never returns to Castiel, so doesn't get stabbed in the back.

Crowley couldn’t believe his good fortune. One moment he’d been on the run from a juiced up Castiel, and the next, he was in an opulent suite the likes of which he had been unable to properly enjoy since he’d hitched his wagon to the Winchester brothers and their (eventually successful) plan to stop the Apocalypse. He was suspicious, of course, but if it was intended to impress, it was certainly a good start.

He could feel the presence behind him before he saw anyone, and when he turned around, he immediately understood. As with everything else that had gone wrong recently, he was once again at the mercy of an angel. Taking great pains not to look too closely beneath the surface lest he go blind, Crowley looked the angel up and down.

Relatively tall, slender build, with bright blue eyes and ash blond hair, he had chosen a reasonably attractive vessel to contain his unimaginable form. Crowley couldn’t help but wonder if the fellow had been a washed up artist or an older male model before agreeing to be an angel’s meatsuit, because his clothes straddled the line between attractive and absurd.

“Ah yes, hello there,” said the angel. “I forgot, you likely have no idea who I am, do you. All that chumming it up with dear old Cas and you never bothered to ask about his associates.”

Taking a careful step back from the powerful being with undetermined allegiances, Crowley replied, “Well now, let’s be honest, Castiel isn’t exactly the most social butterfly. It wasn’t exactly unreasonable for me to assume that he was working on his own.”

The angel smiled a lazy smirk. “You know what they say about assuming. It makes an ass out of you.”

“You mean, it makes an ass out of you and me,” said Crowley.

“Oh no,” replied the angel, “not me, darling. Just you. Well, at least in the context of assumptions.”

Carefully shuffling back another half step, Crowley felt relatively sure he’d be able to teleport away if he needed to, provided the angel hadn’t warded the place against that. “Well then, I suppose we should start over. I’m Crowley. And who might you be?”

Sighing, the angel compressed his lips and gazed heavenward. “Either you’re too dense to put the pieces together — and from everything I’ve seen, that doesn’t sound like you — or he really didn’t mention me. I’m disappointed, I truly am. The name’s Balthazar, formerly one of Castiel’s best friends and now on the outs for daring to consider his best interests.” 

Not currently working for Castiel then. If Balthazar wasn’t working for the enemy, that made him a potential ally. Crowley dredged up his best salesman smile and offered out his hand. “Formerly Castiel’s business partner, now on the outs for daring to ask him to think logically.”

“Oh, I know,” replied Balthazar, ignoring his hand in favour of stepping closer to place an arm around his shoulders. “I know all the sordid little details of your illicit affair with Castiel. The two of you had some truly ambitious plans, and as much as I’d love to judge you for it, I can’t find it in me to care anymore.”

Balthazar guided Crowley towards an open door. Not inclined to upset the angel who could probably smite him without batting an eye, Crowley went along with it. The door opened on an extravagant bedroom, all cream and gold, with a king sized bed and a glass door that opened on a garden.

Gesturing with a hand to indicate the room, Crowley asked, “What’s all this, then?”

Moving past him into the room, Balthazar sat on the edge of the bed to tug off his boots. “The way I see it, our lives are forfeit the moment dear old Cassie catches up with us. So, why not go for the gold and break the only taboo left for me to break? That’s where you come in.”

It was suddenly obvious where Balthazar was going, but it was usually Crowley who made such overtures, so he thought he could be forgiven for taking so long to clue in. “You want to be filled with hellish delight, do you? Have a devil of a time?”

Balthazar’s grimace was instantaneous. “No, that’s awful. Why would you reduce it to wordplay when you’re so _bad_ at it? I want to have the freak _nastiest_ demon sex with the King of _bloody_ Hell.”

Crowley couldn’t find it in himself to be offended when the insult was followed by an offer like that. Shrugging, he toed off his shoes, then snapped a glass of Craig into his hand. Only after taking a sip, and properly appreciating the finish, did he reply, “Who am I to say no to that? A chance to corrupt God’s perfect creation? Sign me the hell up.”

*

Collapsing on to the bed, Crowley lay still, exhausted and aching, but utterly sated. He had completely lost track of time — didn’t even know what day it was — and still Balthazar wasn’t even breathing heavily. While he waited for Crowley to recover, Balthazar sat in a chair, feet propped up on a desk, and sipped Dom Pérignon courtesy of room service.

“It’s unfortunate,” said Balthazar, “just how fragile you mortals are. Granted, you lasted much longer than any untainted human, but this need to repair your broken flesh is just disappointing.”

Drawing a deep, shuddering, (unnecessary) breath, Crowley said, “Why not occupy your time coming up with our ‘ship name?”

The puzzlement on Balthazar’s face would have been hilarious if Crowley had the energy to laugh. Setting down his glass, he swung his feet down to the floor and asked, “What? From where are we acquiring a ship?”

Letting his eyes drift shut, Crowley replied, “Short for relationship. A portmanteau. You know, two names mashed together or some sort of descriptor. Brangelina?”

Balthazar’s little chuckle was just as languid as everything else he did. “Balthaley is horrid, as is Crowlazar. Holy hell?”

Damned if that wasn’t too perfect. That wouldn’t do at all. Crowley groaned and said, “Now who’s using terrible wordplay? No, I think it would have to be Crassion.”

“Crashing? How does that make any sense at all?”

“No, Crassion, as in Crowley-slash-passion, because if you’re not the angel of passion then I’m not sure what you are.”

“Appalled by your sentimentality is what I am. _Crassion_ , bloody hell. Rest up. You have however long it takes me to properly enjoy my champagne and sanctify some more holy water, and then we’re going to see if you can rise to the occasion.”

Crowley didn’t waste his breath on a response, opting to conserve his strength. Equal parts eager and dismayed, he wondered whether Cas would kill them fast or slow when he eventually got around to it. Either way, at least he didn’t have the energy to care.

**Author's Note:**

> It's that time again. This is indeed for [SPN Coldest Hits](http://spncoldesthits.tumblr.com/post/166245367895/mayalaen-forbidden-titles-spncoldesthits). I won last month, so I got to choose the prompt for this month. I decided people needed to write stories based on [rejected titles for romance novels generated by a neural network artificial intelligence](https://medium.com/towards-data-science/romance-novels-generated-by-artificial-intelligence-1b31d9c872b2). Crassion is from the "Well, You Tried, Computer" list. I encourage you to check out that link, and I hope you laugh as hard as I did. Then, I highly encourage you to check out the rest of the Coldest Hits competitors for this challenge. There are a few other stories already posted, and they're pure gold.
> 
> Even though it's Coldest Hits, I warmly welcome your comments and kudos. I'm not trying to win this month. If you're on Tumblr, I can be found there as @thayerkerbasy


End file.
